I'm Neurotic

Ok. There I said it. I believe if someone can admit their own faults than perhaps they are somewhere on the road to fixing them. I am neurotic and I hate it. Being neurotic steals all the fun away from things. I get so excited about things such as getting together with friends, planning a party, participating in celebrations, decorating, crafting, painting, and making things - to name a few. However that little lady inside my brain who whispers the need for perfection in EVERYTHING takes over and makes all of the above no longer fun.

I've spent some time lately thinking about how and why this came to be part of my personality. Having gotten married just six years ago, I can clearly (well, almost clearly) remember the wedding planning process. I was an involved bride and certainly had certain things that I WANTED for MY wedding day, but I was not neurotic. A perfect example is when I was totally cool, relieved in fact, to use the "house" centerpieces at my shower. Thought it was a great idea. And although they were gorgeous and saved money and were way prettier than something I could afford to make, I would NEVER agree to such a thing now. Everything has to be special and unique and that is down right STRESSFUL.

I am SO SO SO excited about C's first birthday party next weekend. So many of our friends and family are coming to visit and stay for the weekend. I think we have a really nice party planned. First of all, we have the cutest baby in all the land to celebrate, we have good food, great people, adorable decorations and entertainment for the kids. So why am I stressing about the algae that is on the siding 25 feet high on my house? Or the seventy year old windows on the second floor that don't open so I can't clean them properly? Or the slightly broken door that we can't quite afford to fix right now? These things don't really matter to people, do they? And do they really matter to me or am I just worried that they will matter to our guests? I've told you about the gardening and the landscape. I spent another couple of hours out there this week and things are looking pretty good. Not perfect, but OK. Will it matter to anyone else that there are weeds? I sure hope not.

So in my reflection, the only thing I can come up with is the fact that I moved three times in four years and had to start new jobs each time. So that means I taught in four states in the matter of five years. Contrary to the popular belief that "teachers have an easy life and we can say or do what we want to children or we can plan our lessons ahead of time or not plan them at all because no one is monitoring us" it is NOT that way. I assure you that starting over in a new state in a new grade is hard, you do have to have patience with children at all times, and your lessons better darn well be planned ahead of time and executed PERFECTLY because someone is WATCHING (and judging) ALL OF THE TIME. And I do believe that that is how it should be. I would never as a professional try to get away with any less than what is absolutely in the best interest of children. But that requires a mentality that things are "just right" or "perfect" because your job and reputation depend on it. If you stay in the same place and job your reputation takes you a long way. When you are new you are always proving yourself. So I came to the conclusion that being in new situations - state, job, home, social circle - has caused me to become neurotic. I always feel the need to have things perfect.

And maybe this year, as I am in my new role as mommy, the anxiety about having everything "just so" is heightened. And even though I know and believe that little C could care less about weeds, broken doors, or algae it stills eats away at me - just a little. Not enough that I will take off my cute sundress and put on old clothes and go scrub it, but enough that it will continue to pop into my brain until the party is over.

Live a simple life. That's what I keep telling myself. It doesn't have to be perfect. I deserve to rest and relax sometimes too, don't I? It's a process and hopefully, sooner than later, I'll get there.